The Way That I Need You
by LuckyGambit
Summary: "If you asked her about the best things in her life she'd tell you about fairytales and tail lights." A story about memories and the past, dreams and the future. Canon up until 5x02. *Brittana* (rated T for now, will be M later.)
1. Chapter 1

**So this story is the result of an awesome collaboration between Brittana fandom writers'** ishIheard2day** and **LoneGambit.** We decided to put this together as our way of interpreting what's going on with canon Brittana right now, and how we feel it will work out for them in the end. Keep in mind that this is based off of Glee starting in May, and our story picks up in October of the same year. We hope you enjoy it! – R and J. **

**Disclaimer: **We unfortunately do not own Glee or any of their characters, but all original characters are of our own creation.

* * *

I'm standing in the loft's shared bathroom when I glance in the mirror. Brown eyes make eye contact with brown eyes through the reflection as Rachel steps into the area behind me.

"Can I help you?" It's only natural for me to be the first to arch an eyebrow and break the silence. Rachel remains stoically quiet, which is oddly eerie, not to mention a tad creepy. While still gripping one end of my long dark tresses with one hand I spin around to properly face my smaller than average roommate.

"Going out again Santana?"

"No, I just like dolling myself all up so I can slip under the covers of my 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets and go to sleep," Is my immediate reply, delivered in perfect snark with an exaggerated roll of my eyes, "Of course I'm going out."

Rachel nods, distracted, but manages to ask, "Are you going alone again?"

I let out an long exhale, before I let words follow shortly after, "Maybe, maybe not but I don't need you to babysit. If I do need you or Prancy I'll send you a text, okay?"

"Santana, we're not trying to keep a handle on you, lord knows you're going to do your own thing anyway-"

"Damn right."

"We just want to make sure that in the process, you're okay. You just seem really distant since everything with you and Brittany, and then you and…you know. We just want you to know that we're here if you-"

"Look," I interrupt before Rachel gets anymore carried away, "I know you guys think that something's wrong with me, but I'm fine. Brittany went to MIT, we said goodbye and I'm happy for her. She's a genius and she's finally getting the recognition she deserves. Maybe it's not exactly what I want, but we agreed that we would do this for ourselves, even if it meant we had to do it apart. As for everything else, it didn't work out and I'm dealing with that too."

I pause for a moment, collecting my thoughts and really reflecting on what I've just disclosed. No matter my reservations, conversations like this, concerning Brittany, seem to keep cropping up.

It probably doesn't help that thoughts and words that I had and spoke some five months ago keep haunting me.

_I finally have a girlfriend who I don't have to worry about straying for penis._

There are definitely better ways I could have phrased what I really meant. I was excited at the new prospective relationship but nervous because of the potential to be with someone more experienced with women than anyone I'd been with in the past. Someone more experienced than myself.

That, and my insecurities had gotten the best of me because I was angry at not being able to be with Brittany but still happy that I'd found someone I liked and that I thought would maybe take some of that anger away. And she did, for a little while until I realized that we had our sights on different things in the end. But now, I'm still fighting through this task of moving on and trying to be happy.

And I still feel so guilty about everything. I still feel like Brittany and I never really got the closure, if that's what we're destined to get, that we deserve.

So one of the few things I've found that keeps my mind off of thoughts of her, and of us (what our future could have been and what our present should be like) are nights spent out in New York City. Nights out where I go dancing and drinking with friends. It's something that always worked in the past, and so far it's working just fine now.

It doesn't make anything better, but it's certainly not making anything worse.

With a sigh, I heft my shoulders and flicker a despondent gaze back in Rachel's direction before turning back around to resume my primping, "So…I'm fine, and I'm going to be fine tonight if I go out and have a few drinks."

I don't need to see Rachel nod to know that she does, and I wait until she turns around and pads back out into our shared living space before I return to my primping.

Nothing seems easy anymore, but I still have to try to get on with my life the best way that I can.

###############

Rachel is sitting on the sofa, feet propped up delicately on their distressed barnwood coffee table, when Santana strides from the bathroom some fifteen minutes later. She's clad in a sinfully short black dress that does nothing to hide her ample cleavage (as if that's ever the point of her dresses) and is just short and curve hugging enough it leaves nothing to the imagination.

She may not be the most forwardly tuned in to relationships, her own having been full of heartbreak and hurt more often than not, but Rachel knows one thing for sure: Santana reverting to her old ways of partying and trying to forget are not helping her at all.

It's almost the end of October now. Rachel has spent the last five months watching Santana try to 'move on' from Brittany. She's watched her friend develop intense feelings for a girl, Dani who they worked with, within a week of meeting her only to end up not feeling the same a couple months later. All that did was reinforce Santana's fear of being single and an 'out' lady-lover in the big city.

She's watched as Santana fluctuated between several different jobs, claiming she left each one because they weren't enough for her hotness, and bumble her way through countless conversations with pretty women. It's a wonder that Santana has managed to actually make friends with a few of these women, even if it seems as though the potential for dating them has fallen through.

None of what Santana's doing is going to help her in the long run. But if there's one problem bigger for Rachel than trying to understand how other people don't appreciate the beauty and artistic value of Showtunes, it's trying to understand Santana Lopez.

In fact, more often than not she and Kurt are at a complete loss as to how they can help their friend.

"Don't wait up Berry." Santana calls as she grabs her clutch and sorry excuse for a jacket and slips out the door.

Rachel shakes her head as the door closes behind Santana, before a thought enters her mind. She bites her lip in consideration as she picks up her phone and scrolls through the first few contacts until she reaches the name that belongs to someone that she's never really talked to beyond a few words. Someone that Rachel herself surely does not understand but who knows Santana like Rachel knows the intricate workings of a Barbara production.

She knows she shouldn't meddle, and that both Kurt and Santana will be furious if she does, but then again she wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she didn't try to do something. With a resolute nod, she thumbs the name and presses 'Call'.

"Hey, it's Rachel." She says into the phone when the other person picks up on the third ring, "Look, are you available to come around anytime soon…it's Santana."

###############

"Thank God for tequila!" I shout as I throw my fist in the air and slam the shot glass back down on the bar. It's my fourth in the last hour or so and I must say it's certainly doing its charm for me.

"I think you mean, thank you Mexico for figuring out how to turn a plant into alcohol!" A voice filters into my consciousness and I glance to my right to gather a woman with long wavy and flaming auburn locks, high cheekbones, and alluringly fascinating grey blue eyes. She quirks her lips in her signature half-smirk and sends me a wink.

I immediately roll my eyes, "Way to get technical about the whole thing Bevin."

Bevin Delaney. Fellow lady lover and said auburn haired, unique grey blue eyes stunningly attractive woman sitting next to me just rolls her eyes. It's something she's very good at doing.

Bevin and I met a little over four months ago, right around the time that things in my last relationship really started to get rocky. Dani had been such a different person than anyone I'd ever been with before. She was comfortable and very pretty and a way for me to experience something new and different for a while. Dani wasn't a bad person but in the end she just wasn't the right person for me. Her dreams and ambitions were sometimes bigger than my own and in the end we just wanted different things.

I met Bevin one night when I was waiting for Dani to meet for dinner. Dani wasn't able to make it because of some gig she got last minute which was good for her, but I hated being stood up. And that wasn't the first time. Bevin had seen me fuming, she claims, by myself at the table and had come over to offer her company.

What had started out as casual flirting eventually morphed into some kind of strange friendship between us. When things fully ended with Dani not long after that night, Bevin was actually the first person I talked to about it. Things seem easier with her sometimes.

We've been pretty close friends ever since then. And most nights, including this one, we tend to go out and have a good time, as long as we've got each other we seem to decently survive until the next day.

At the very least, she keeps things entertaining.

My thoughts are interrupted by a shot being placed in front of me. I give the bartender a questioning look. He inclines his head down the bar, "Compliments of her" he informs me before going back to his duties.

My eyes meander down the bar and suddenly lock on those of very intense hazel, hidden behind a shroud of blonde hair.

"Wow, she's pretty. Maybe I should buy her a drink too." I mumble, picking up my glass and giving the generous woman a subtle incline of my head. I hear Bevin snort from somewhere next to me and turn to find her rolling up the sleeves of her plaid shirt, one blue jean clad leg swung over the other displaying her heeled feet.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just you seriously don't know how to pick up a woman, like at all."

"Because I'm suggesting buying her a drink? That's not a bad thing." I counter, frustration getting the best of me because Bevin never ceases with her teasing.

"Yeah, but you're supposed to go talk to her. If you send her a drink that doesn't really get you anywhere, except maybe tells her that you want to get her drunk." Bevin explains, but I remain lost.

"But she bought me a drink, and it'd be a way to thank her."

She shakes her head, "The way to thank her would be to go over there and whisper something dirty in her ear before taking her back to your loft and showing her a good time, but since we know you're incapable of stringing together any amount of words to actually create a coherent and seductive sentence when faced with the task of doing so to a 'pretty woman', yeah sure buy her a drink." Bevin finishes with a smirk.

"You are by far the worst wing-woman ever." I scoff making sure to prod Bevin hard in the ribs.

She feigns a wince but smiles back, that playful glint in her eyes, "Or maybe I don't think any of these women are good enough for you because you've already met that person, and she's sitting right in front of you."

Her tone is teasing, but my breath still catches in my throat.

It's not as though Bevin hasn't essentially announced to the world her attraction to me, and I'd be hard pressed to deny the appreciation I garner for her in return.

She's stunning, in the most simple but unexplainable ways. She's funny, she's intelligent, and similar to myself she's not afraid to go after what she really wants. She knows her own worth and the way she displays that is all kinds of incredible. We get along well, and everything would be perfect if it wasn't for one tiny little detail.

No matter what, she's still not_ her_. She's not Brittany. And no one, anywhere, has ever gotten me the way that Brittany so effortlessly always has.

Bevin must see the hesitant flash in my eyes because she pats my thigh again, "Let me guess, I'm great but I'm not the one and only Brittany Pierce."

I frown, I hate when this part of the conversation comes up. It always takes the friendship in the worst direction because I either end up going the most drastic way in either direction. On one hand I might overcompensate the way I still feel about Brittany by lashing out at all the little things I may have questioned in our relationship.

Like in the case of Dani. When she spoke of me needing someone whom was 100 percent only into women, it highlighted my biggest fear that in the end Brittany wasn't just attracted to women and thus there were many more options in the world for her to choose from should she decide that I wasn't good enough. I never really thought Brittany was that kind of person, but Dani's words brought back the insecurities I'd always faced when Brittany had chosen Artie, and then Sam instead of me.

Granted, when I look back at both of those situations now, her choices make a lot more sense to me because in the end Brittany didn't do it to hurt me, she did it to keep us both on the easiest track. With Artie, it was the catalyst that sparked me to finally admit my feelings for her and come to terms with my sexuality. With Sam, it was a way for Brittany to know that we could be okay without each other, or that we'd have to be, if only for a little while until it was right for us to be together again.

Brittany always was a genius, and it was her encouragement that got me to be where I finally truly belonged, in a city that could actually cater to my hopes and dreams and let me live the life I was always born to live.

Before I knew what my future could hold I had met, befriended, and eventually fallen in love with the most amazing girl in the world. And despite what I told myself, and the many ways things had been complicated between us, the fact remained that I was here in New York and she was a state away.

"Wow, I really did lose you. Did all that gold juice go to your head baby Lezpez?"

My eyes slant back in Bevin's direction, an angry fire smoldering just under the surface. If there's one thing she knows I hate's being called, it's Lezpez.

"Ahh there, see? I have re-obtained your attention. Now can I talk a little bit?" She asks with a playful smirk on her face. My eyebrows furrow for a second before I bite my tongue and nod my head. I figure, I'm here and I'm at least drinking, I might as well listen to what Bevin has to say.

"Okay so, you've told me about Brittany before; blonde, blue eyes, long legs, and sexy smile. Obviously she's beautiful." Bevin starts her eyes glancing my way for a moment as if to check that she's on the right track, I nod skeptically but so far it's not inaccurate information. "She's adorably quirky if I remember correctly."

"She's not stupid."

"Wow ease up there, tiger. I never said that word. If I remember correctly, you said she's quirky and vastly intelligent. Some would say that perhaps she has an innocent and adolescent quality, but those are just the people that don't truly understand her because in reality she can be quite snarky, sarcastic, deceptive and incredibly manipulative if she wants to be. Except for, of course, to you for the most part."

I nod, "Secret genius."

Bevin's eyes roll playfully, "Yeah, yeah Pocahontas, so you've said."

"Hey!" I scoff, "That's incredibly racist!"

"Says the girl who constantly refers to me as Princess Merida or in your own always elegant words 'that redheaded girl from that Disney movie'?" Bevin levels an arched eyebrow at me that could rival the very best of a pissed off Quinn. "Which by the way I'm Irish and that movie's based in Scotland."

"Okay I get it, just get on with your analysis or whatever."

"So in other words, Brittany is an amazing individual, but she has her flaws."

"I've never claimed that she didn't."

"Will you stop interrupting and just listen. Geeze woman, I swear." My eyes narrow at Bevin for an instant but I again concede to her wishes. She thanks me with a silent nod of her head, "You've known each other for a long time, you've done practically everything together, and sometime in high school you realized that you'd fallen in love with her."

I nod because those are more or less the most basic facts of my and Brittany's evolution from friendship to romance to that weird stage in between that we are currently lingering in at present.

"So the biggest issue that you and Brittany seem to keep running into is your unconditional availability to each other."

My eyes squint at the redhead's words, mostly because what? Maybe I haven't had enough to drink yet. I turn my glance towards the bartender and order another shot, throwing it back before I address my friend.

"Say what?"

She merely laughs, "When you were in high school the biggest obstacle came in the form of you denying your sexuality."

"Right, we've been over this." I nod.

"Yeah and I'm painting you the big picture which means I'll go over it again if I please capiche?"

I shrug and order a tequila sunrise to give me something to sip on.

"But once you got over that things were good?"

She knows this already, as I've discussed it many times before, but I humor her anyways, "That's right. We were finally dating, together, happy."

"And then the whole graduation debacle occurred."

I feel myself getting a little angered at that memory as it returns to my slightly hazy consciousness. I was never mad at Brittany for that. I was upset that she'd taken so long to tell me until it was too late for me to help her, and I was mad at the fact that it seemed like utter bullshit considering Brittany is by far one of the smartest people I know. But I was never mad at her.

I was mad at the situation, faced with having to potentially leave the happiness that I'd had for the last year with Brittany behind. I was faced with having to pop our perfect bubble and see if we could live in the real world as a couple.

As it turns out, that was our second biggest obstacle and the one that eventually tore our happiness apart.

"So you went to college and she stayed behind." Bevin continues to narrate. "A few months later you find it increasingly hard to actually be away from her. I mean not only was she your girlfriend, but she was your best friend and you missed that. You started noticing other people noticing you, and even if it wasn't Brittany, there was a sense of attention there that you had been missing and still craved."

This is where it starts to get a little fuzzy for me. I admit that when I was in Louisville it was overwhelming and sometimes it felt like there'd never be a chance for me to actually do what I was dreaming about doing. I'd gone to school there because I'd gotten in on a scholarship, a scholarship that Brittany had essentially made happen. Loving Brittany as much as I do, the last thing I wanted was for her to think I hadn't appreciated what she'd done for me.

But Kentucky wasn't for me. If Lima hadn't ever been for me, then Kentucky certainly wasn't, and what's more I missed Brittany more than I ever had before. There was the homesick type missing, but it was mostly the thought that we should have been in the same place at the same time but we weren't. And I didn't realize how much it had hurt Brittany until it was probably too late.

"So you go back to Lema-"

I shake my head realizing Bevin is still talking, "Lima." I correct, not that it really matters.

She nods, "Right, that place. Anyway you go back there to try to reconnect with Brittany because you were a busy college girl and didn't have as much time to devote to your girlfriend, whom you loved very much, when away. Eventually one thing led to another and you got it in your head that she wasn't happy."

"She wasn't happy! She yelled at me for leaving her behind." I interrupt.

"Yeah, but she's the one that told you to go!" Bevin counters, and I know she's right. I know Brittany never meant what she said, ultimately she was just as sad and lonely without me, and she lashed out because she didn't know what else to do. She didn't know that it was okay to fight for us, and apparently neither did I.

"So you go and do this really genius thing and tell her you love her, sing her a freaking love song by the queen of love songs and their accompanying break up companions, and tell her that you two should do the mature thing. Which, might I add, included an 'unofficial break up'?" Bevin slants her eyes to me with a look that says 'you're an idiot', "Then for some strange reason once you've broken up you seem to have more time to spend in Lima and even though Brittany hints more than once that she still wants to be with you, you deny her in favor of, again, doing the 'mature' thing?"

I'll admit, that's still one part of my life that I don't fully understand, like it was written by a really bad scriptwriter who didn't understand anything about continuity, correlation, and the basics of a real and happy relationship.

"I know that was a mistake, but it wouldn't have changed the fact that Brittany was still stuck in Lima and I eventually had to go back somewhere else."

"Right, so you left again and in that time she ended up befriending someone who she also eventually started dating."

I cringe at that reminder, "Can we please skip this part?"

"Yeah we can skip most of it, but I do want to point out the basics."

I shrug because there could be worse things. Like actually having to view it happen again and again and again on a television screen. I shutter at that thought.

"When you eventually found out about this shod of a relationship, as I still recall you calling it?"

"That's accurate."

"You flew back into Lima in an attempt to sweep Brittany off her feet, only to be turned down by her and sent on your merry way to New York where you in turn spent about a month or so doing your thing until Brittany needed you again. Only this time when you went back you discovered that the Brittany you had missed so much before, the one you loved so dearly, was acting differently because, as it turns out, she was conflicted about a very big decision in her life."

"Right, she got accepted to MIT. A place where notoriously smart people go, and she had at first been really unsure of herself but eventually she realized it was where she deserved to go. It's where she needed to go." I add, trying my best to explain my side of the story when I'm still not even sure what the hell happened.

Bevin nods, her face a mask of understanding, "So you helped her move, and then you came back to New York to try and move on with your own life and stop trying to worry so much about the one you wanted with Brittany."

"It's not like I wanted to just help her move and then leave her again, but it's not fair to either of us to keep dragging this along. Brittany was on to something when she said I needed to be in New York. We both need to be in a place that can cater to our needs and desires, and unfortunately that place isn't the same place for both of us at the moment." My thoughts are shifting every which way in my head, and I don't know if it's the alcohol, or the reality of once again reliving this journey, that has my head pounding.

"Right so you sever ties with her and find your happiness here."

"You make it sound like I just forgot about her. That's obvious I haven't, and it's not that simple to just sweep all of our history under the rug. I still love her, and I know I always will. I don't just want to throw all of those memories to the side, I don't want to just forget about her but I don't know what else to do at this point."

"I never said you needed to do that." Bevin explains, "The point of severing ties is for your own good, it gives you the chance to be _you_ without the influence or worry or expectations of anyone else. Breaking up, moving on and letting go doesn't mean you forget. It means you remember what was best about it, learn to really love yourself again, and someday you can use those memories and make something even better with someone, whether it's that same person or not ultimately comes down to how you feel when you reach that point and can make a rational decision without thoughts of the past clouding your judgment."

Once again, Bevin baffles me with her expansive inner knowledge of things I could only ever hope to get a handle on someday. She's got a point, but now I'm exhausted from thinking and really starting to feel the alcohol.

"Okay Ms. Love Doctor you make a fair observation but I think I'm too drunk to fully grasp it." I state, shifting off the bar stool and taking a step towards her, "Now could you help me get home so I can pass out and go to sleep."

The corner of Bevin's lip quirks and she rolls her eyes, "Fine boozy, let's get you home before you make an absurd fool of yourself and fall all over me in your drunken state. You're game is lacking enough when you're sober, I can't even begin to imagine the things you'd say whilst drunk."

"I have no game?" I retort incredulously, I so have game. "I'm not the one still using the word whilst." Bevin throws my arm over her shoulder as she wraps her own around my waist and steadies me. I'm ever grateful for her friendship in this moment as keeps me standing upright and still manages to turn around and slap some money on the bar to pay our tab.

"Whatever, I've totally heard you use that word too. Come on Lopez, let's get you back. It's late enough, maybe I'll just crash at your place because I don't feel like going home."

"Whatever Bev, just another excuse for you to try to get me in bed." Bevin grins at my retort, her head thrown back in genuine laughter. She pokes me in the side with her free hand and I squirm.

"Oh Santana, you still have so much to learn young apprentice."

I'll be the first to admit that I don't really remember much of what happens after that.

###############

There's a loud thudding noise that abruptly wakes me up. I shoot up in bed only to groan at the throbbing pain that surges through my head at the action. There's a grumble that comes from someone under the covers next to me and I spot a tress of auburn hair peeking out by the pillow.

"Lay off it already." Bevin mumbles from her stupor, shifting a little in the bed and allowing the covers to fall away from her body a little. She's still in her tank top from last night and what would appear to be a pair of my sleep shorts.

Not everything comes back to me but I remember that once Bevin finally got me back to the loft she helped me change into sleep clothes and then mentioned she was staying too because she was too tired and too lazy to go home. I didn't argue. I'm fairly certain I was already passed out by then.

The thudding sounds again from the front door and I groan at my misfortune. Of course Rachel and Kurt would not be available to answer the door, this day of all days. I stumble from the bed and shuffle slowly in the direction to the door, cursing myself for once again drinking more than I should have but at the same time thanking the fact that Bevin got me back safely.

My eyes are half-lidded behind my glasses, my brain is groggy, and I can literally feel the way one side of my hair is twisted into a probably very unattractive bird's nest when I get to the door and swing it open exposing the person in the hall to the sight of me.

I have to blink a couple times to get my eyes to focus, to be sure that the sight before me isn't a figment of my imagination. My mouth gaps open slightly when a bright smile stretches across the owner's face and I'm forced to recognize that what I see is real, before she speaks.

"Hi." Her voice sends tingles down my spine and thoughts of last night replay in my mind. I glance over my shoulder to see that I am still the sole person awake at this time before I turn back and lock eyes with a vibrant cerulean blue. I swallow in effort to not have my voice sound like a chain smoker's before I finally speak aloud.

"Brittany."

* * *

**This won't be a super long story just so you all know, and since we are both working on other projects, it might not get updated as quickly as our other stories but if you let us know that you're really interested in and liking it, we will definitely try to get updates out quicker! Thanks y'all! **

**The story title comes from The Passenger song of the same name (which we also do not own). **


	2. Chapter 2

**First off, we would like to apologize for the wait on this chapter, but also reassure you that the story is almost fully complete so the updates will be much quicker now! Second of all, we would like to thank everyone who followed, favorited, reviewed and read the first chapter! The response was awesome and we just hope you like the rest of it. **

**Make sure you check out the bottom for review responses because they all mean the world to us and we want to let you know that!**

**Enjoy! – J and R**

**Chapter 2: **

"Brittany." The resonance of the name as it falls from the tip of my tongue echoes off the acoustics in the loft. I mildly cringe at my lack of volume filter, but what's done is done and what's more, even if I have woken someone else up, they were bound to get up at some point anyway.

"Santana." Brittany returns my greeting a wide smile still displayed pleasantly across her face, her cheerful self still buoyant as ever.

I have to swallow back the lump that lodges in my throat at my lack of how to respond, and where to proceed from here. To say her sudden appearance is unexpected would be an immensely gross misstatement.

Despite my surprise and everything else running through my mind, I have at least not forgotten my manners, "Um…would you like to come in?" Okay they might be a little lacking, but give me a break here. The woman I've literally been in love with since I can remember is standing right in front of me, and I have absolutely no idea why.

Truth be told, as Brittany steps over the threshold of the doorway and into the loft, the only thing I can properly concur is that any reason she might be here is going to make me very nervous. For both good and bad reasons.

Typically when one of us shows up unannounced in front of the other, it's not always the most joyous of occasions. And I honestly never thought things would become so awkward and strained between us.

So many things have changed. I know I still love Brittany beyond a shadow of a doubt, and I know I still care about her greatly, but it's like there's something there that's stopping me from grasping for anything more.

If I had to guess, I'd say Brittany probably feels the same, we haven't really said much to each other since I helped her move her things into her dorm at Senior House at the MIT campus back in May.

I don't realize that my body has traveled to the kitchen on autopilot and already retrieved a glass from the cupboard and the chocolate milk from the refrigerator. My lactose intolerance prevents me from drinking the stuff, but it's always been Brittany's favorite and I've always kept it on hand.

Just in case. As they say, habits are hard to break.

The look I glance in Brittany's eye when I offer her up the full glass tells me that she's just as surprised as I am at my actions. But when your life has revolved around the love of one very special person, it's hard to just forget the things you've always done for them without a second thought.

She clears her throat and takes the glass from my hand murmuring a quite "Thank you" and I nod like it's no big deal when really everything feels like it's falling apart and being put back together again inside of me.

Why is Brittany here (besides being called by the Hobbit)? Did Rachel tell her I was in trouble?

There are so many things I want to say and do and ask, but I just don't feel like I'm in the proper mindset yet. This whole situation has severely blindsided me, and I feel like I'm still picking my body up off the ground from where it unglamorously hit the turf.

Brittany takes a tentative sip from her glass, but I still hear the small satisfied hum that she releases as she swallows the milk. It makes something else inside of me prick.

"Brittany, not that it's not great to see you, but what exactly are you doing here?" I finally have to ask, even as my body vibrates with an unsteady hum of uncertainty.

The way she shifts uncomfortably immediately gives her away; she really has no idea what she's doing here and she expected me to know, or at least respond a lot differently than I currently am.

"I…Rachel called me," Brittany starts to say, her eyes darting around anywhere else but my own, "I thought that you were in trouble or something."

Typical Rachel, we've been through so much and she still has to meddle. One of my hands runs through my hair without a second thought, I need to get a hold of my thoughts before I say things that I regret and can't take back. We've both been there before and this is definitely not the time for it.

With a sigh and my gaze off to the left, I'm calm enough to proceed without taking out my warranted frustrations on Brittany. This isn't a product of her actions; in this case she's just the innocent bystander.

"Look Britt, I don't know what Rachel said to you, but…I'm okay and everything you know?"

Sometimes I wish that Brittany couldn't read me so well, because even with a straight face I know she still knows I'm lying. A dissatisfied sigh passes through her lips, pulling at my heartstrings because next to making Brittany cry, seeing her disappointed in me is the worst thing in the world.

I watch as Brittany sets her glass on the counter and her hands automatically reach towards me, but she stops herself before she actually touches my skin, her hands jerking back as her face flushes in embarrassment. I guess she's still got some old habits that are hard to break too. She rubs her hands up and down her own arms for a few seconds, a slight frown adorning her face, before she takes a deep breath and lifts her eyes to meet mine.

That translucent blue still makes my breath catch in my throat.

Then again, maybe that's just Brittany.

"You know I know you well enough Santana, to know when you're telling the truth or not." She starts with, and I falter a little because she's already figured me out, but apparently she's not done. "But, if you want to be here by yourself then I can respect that. I know that I probably should have called, but Rachel sounded so urgent and I just…I…" she pauses, her eyes dropping for a moment to the floor before she raises them again and I see they now shine with that 'just about to cry' gloss, "it was you Santana, I came for you because no matter what happens or doesn't happen between us, you still mean so much to me, and I…I still love you San."

And there it is.

All the breath in my lungs suddenly escapes and I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. There are so many things that Brittany could say to me, but those words 'I still love you' are most certainly the ones that hit the hardest.

Before I even know what's happening I feel tears spilling from my eyes and running down my cheeks, and Brittany is quick to step in front of me. Her moves hesitant at first before she confidently wraps her long arms around my shoulders and pulls me into her body. My face instantly nuzzles into her chest, surrounded by the warmth of her embrace, and my arms are quick to snake around her waist and hold onto her too.

I feel Brittany coo softly in my ear as her hand strokes gently over my long hair that's cascading down my back in wild dark waves. It feels like every time ever when Brittany's held me the same way for one reason or another, and for a second I can forget just how loosely I've always been hanging on to my hope and just how closely I still teeter towards being okay when I'm without her.

There's a loud bang that comes from somewhere in the direction of my room and a muffled "Ow" that bursts the happy and content bubble that Brittany and I had allowed to form around us, and I hastily pull back from her, wiping desperately at the tears that stain my cheeks and avoiding eye contact with Brittany. I know it's wrong and I'm being selfish, but I'm still so caught off guard and trying to wrap my head around everything.

Five months away from Brittany and a tired conversation with Bevin the night before and I'd thought I'd moved closer to being okay. It turns out, I was shit out of luck the whole time. But still, jumping right back into it when the main obstacles between Brittany and I still haven't changed, being the distance and the fact we both have lives in different cities, would be too harsh of a situation to place either of us in again.

The remnants of last time still remain tugging at my heart, and I can't stand to lose Brittany to someone else again because I can't manage the distance and I get lost in neglecting her.

"Hey babe, why didn't you wake me?" Bevin's voice is suddenly traveling through the loft before she appears in front of me, and then Brittany turns around to look towards the source of the voice.

I balk at Bevin's poor timing for her very common usage of the word 'babe' when referring to anyone she's friends with. She literally uses the term for anyone she's known for more than a week, but unfortunately the look on Britt's face says she thinks it's being used in a non-platonic way.

Bevin quite obviously realizes her mistake when she takes in the presence of Brittany and shoots me an apologetic look over her shoulder.

"Uh hello, pardon my awkward." She then greets with a tiny wave.

"Bev, good morning." I finally break the tense silence and step up to Brittany, carefully placing my hand on her hip and trying not to let it get to me when I instantly feel her tense under the contact. I guess I deserve that in response to my own reaction just a few minutes ago, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

"Britt, this is my friend Bevin. Bevin, this is Brittany." I try to inform as cordially as possible.

Bevin's green eyes widen considerably at the mention of the name, "Wow, I thought this might be her but gosh Santana, she really is gorgeous."

Even though my face heats a little at Bevin's disclosure, I'm glad she said it. There's something that doesn't feel wrong about allowing Brittany to know that even when she's not here, the things I say about her are kind, and always true.

Out of the corner of my eye I see the confusion that flashes in Brittany's eyes, before the smallest of smiles plays at the corner of her mouth. I release a breath I hadn't realized I was holding when Brittany kindly reaches out and shakes Bevin's proffered hand.

"It's nice to finally meet the woman that Santana won't shut up about, Brittany."

I roll my eyes but smile lightly when a giggle escapes Brittany's lips.

"It's nice to meet you too, Bevin." Brittany greets back, as kind as always.

"Well, I'm sorry to cut this party short but I've got to get in to work. Earn that money," Bevin says and I quirk an eyebrow at her, something about her demeanor, and the slow pace with which she's going through the motions, makes me wonder what's going on in that crazy brain of hers. Finally she nods and then flashes Brittany a smile.

"Santana, can I borrow your jacket?"

"What? Oh yeah of course."

Bevin smiles and nods to me, "Thanks girl! So, " she starts to say as she lifts my leather jacket off of its position on the sofa and pushes her arms through the sleeves. As she sweeps her hair out from under the collar she glances back in first Brittany's direction quickly before my own. "You work at eleven right?"

I nod.

"Sweet, I'll see you in a little bit then. Nice meeting you Brittany!" And with that Bevin is out the door, leaving a lingering silence and peculiar atmosphere behind.

After enough minutes have passed, Brittany turns away from the door to face me. A curious look covers her face, and her bottom lips quivers in that way I know it does when she has a thought or question she's just dying to tell or ask me.

I smile softly, "What is it Britt?"

She chews on the inside of her cheek for a second in consideration before enlightening me, "So, she's a friend?"

My heart flips at her tone but I nod.

"A friend you talk about me with?"

This time it's my stomach that flips. Like my insides are competing in the fucking Olympics. I swallow nervously but nod again.

Brittany nods, she doesn't display it but I can tell she's happy about my answers, but then her attitude becomes more reserved and her eyes slant down to the floor where her shoe is toeing the ground.

"Is she…just a friend?"

I kind of had a feeling we would get to this question, and I have every intention of telling her everything when I step forward and open my mouth. To my most unfortunate well-being, Rachel 'Still Doesn't Have Much of a Filter" Berry makes her appearance known in the loft by letting out a vociferous squeal.

Even Brittany's eyes widen in alarm.

"Brittany! You're here!" Rachel shouts as she rounds the furniture in her way to deposit herself in Brittany's arms, arms that remain awkwardly flailing at Rachel's side as she obliviously grips her taller counterpart in an embrace.

Even over Rachel's shoulder, Brittany gives me a look. I've seen it before. It says 'I'm sorry, I didn't expect that' and I just smile at her and nod my head, my eyes telling her 'Don't worry, there will be a chance to continue talking once Berry is out of the way', in probably not as many words but I think that Brittany gets the point.

On the other hand, I have to keep up with your reign of bitchery, especially in regards to Rachel "Can't Mind Her Own Business" Berry.

"What do you mean 'you're here' Berry, you're the one who invited her. Might I say that was quite the unexpected surprise," I verbalize to Rachel with a lift of my brow and a stern purse of my lips. Rachel has seen _that _look enough to know it says 'While I'm happy to see Brittany, you should have told me' and even though her face colors in embarrassment and understanding, she still changes the subject.

"Don't you have to work soon Santana?"

My eyes scrunch, "That's not…" I start to say but then catch a glance of the clock and realize that I am in fact due at work in a good thirty minutes, and the job is a good twenty minutes out.

This time my eyes widen, "Shit!" I exclaim before I'm rushing back to my room and haphazardly throwing on a set of clothes that will just have to do, I try not to think about the fact I just wore them yesterday and Bevin's going to tease me relentlessly for it.

When I rush back into the kitchen area, purse and shoes in hand, Rachel appears to be animatedly talking to a not so intrigued Brittany. I halt before them.

"We're going to talk about this Berry," I say pointing a sharp finger at my short roommate, she grimaces in embarrassment but give a small nod of agreement. I turn to Brittany, "Britt, I'm so sorry I have to rush out now, if I could call in I would but with such short notice I'd be more likely to get fired."

Brittany smiles in acceptance, though it doesn't reach her eyes, and nods, "It's okay San, I should have called you and everything. I…I understand." She says sadly and I realize she thinks that I'm just kicking her out.

Stepping close to her I release a soft sigh, my hand coming to rest on the back of hers and I meet her eyes, "I get off at six tonight and if you'd like, I think we should talk then." I tell her softly and see the relief that floods her body.

She smiles, genuine this time, and nods again, "I'd like that."

I'm nodding back and leaning in before I even register my instinctive reactions, and I've already placed a soft kiss to her cheek before I can stop myself. With an shaky clear of my throat and a small incline of my head to let Brittany know that while I hadn't exactly intended to do that, I don't regret it and I'm turning around and walking out of the loft.

I'm partially thankful that I'll be able to spend the next several hours able to get inside my own head and think. I'm going to have a lot of things to talk about after I do.

#####################

I'm only two minutes late as I scramble through the door of the low-key coffee shop and café that I work in with Bevin. The tips were great at the bar I used to work at, but the late hours cut into a lot of my dance and school time. And I had to leave the diner a few months ago because Dani still works there and I didn't want to have that awkward tension between us anytime we worked together.

The coffee shop isn't bad. We're busy enough to keep things going, but not crazy or over priced like other places around the city. Plus the owner's nice and she usually doesn't mind my lateness.

"Santana, how nice of you to join us!" Stephanie, the owner, calls as she comes from somewhere in the back. I guess I sighed in relief too early, thinking my lateness would slip by. I quickly rush behind the counter to put my things up and slip my apron on before coming back out onto the floor.

"I am so sorry Steph, I had unexpected company this morning that kind of threw everything off." I begin to apologize profusely even as I'm clocking in and washing my hands. I glance Bevin snickering over by the cash register and I shoot a pointed glare at her.

"You know I love you Santana, you're a hard worker and I respect what you do around here." Stephanie tells me as she stacks the last of the pastry items for the after morning/afternoon rush by the display case. Standing up straight, she places her hands on her hips and stares at me, "Just please try not to be late unless it's a very serious emergency."

I nod furiously, "I won't be. Thank you."

Stephanie nods at both Bevin and I before retreating to the back to continue her owner duties or whatever, knowing that the two of us can easily handle the floor. As soon as she's gone and I'm working on filling the pastry case with the fresh product, I see Bevin step up to my side, leaning into the counter and waiting for me to speak about the one thing I'm not really sure if I'm ready to speak about yet.

I purposefully ignore her, doing everything I can for the next thirty minutes to avoid the inevitable before the café slide's off into it's down period that will go on until the lunch time rush around twelve thirty. I no longer have any way to avoid this.

"I know what you're doing."

"Well good, then we can make this whole thing easier."

Bevin's hands find her hips, "You're not even going to talk about it? This is Brittany. Last night, that was all we talked about."

"That was not all we talked about," I shoot her a frustrated look but she still calls my bullshit. I sigh and my shoulders deflate, "Last night I got really drunk and talked about something that was on my chest, I didn't expect the actual subject of that conversation to show up at my door the next morning."

My friend nods in understanding, adjusting her stance so that she's still leaning against the counter, but now her hands are folded across her chest. A thoughtful look appears on her face for a brief second before it's gone and replaced by patience.

She's biting her lip before she speaks, "Okay so you have absolutely no idea why she's here?

I shake my head in the negative.

"But as far as you know, there's nothing wrong with her, she just…came here for you?"

This time my head bobs in the affirmative, "Apparently my lovely roommate with the big mouth, of the female variety," I clarify when I get a raised eyebrow from Bevin, "decided that it would be best for Brittany to come down here because she thinks that I am not coping well or that I need help or something."

"Do you?"

This catches me off guard, I mean there are a lot of confusing things going on but that's supposed to all be about adulthood. I'm supposed to be learning on my own and making mistakes and what not. But things just keep coming back and rotating around Brittany.

It shouldn't surprise me. I've built my life around her after all. But it's not only fair to myself but to both of us if I figure things out before I dive into anything. Figure out what I want and how I can have it before I wreck my heart again, or Brittany's heart.

"I don't know…maybe?" I answer, but even then my head is shaking, "But I don't know if Brittany's the one I need to talk to about it when it partially involves Brittany."

Bevin bobs her head in understanding, gnawing on her bottom lip as she contemplates something in her mind. She runs a hand through her long curly locks and her green eyes shift over to the counter before they lock back on my brown ones.

"Can I ask you something?"

I nod.

"Do you…I mean obviously you still have feelings for Brittany, and I know you probably always will but you tried with Dani for a while, and you've been on other dates since then."

"Yeah and they've all been horrible disasters, you know this, I've told you about every single one."

She smiles, "Yeah I know. I guess that's kind of what I'm trying to say."

Bevin trails off but I don't follow. She takes a deep breath.

"I'm trying to ask you, Santana, if you and Brittany don't end up getting back together or whatever this time, right now, are you going to give someone else a chance?"

Suddenly I think I know where she's going with this, but before I can open my mouth to say anything, most of which I don't know what I'd say, Bevin speaks up again.

"Because I know I've told you that we're great as friends, you're one of the best I've ever had Santana, but I'm still attracted to you and maybe, I don't know, maybe I could be your right now if Brittany couldn't be."

I find that my heart has dropped to my stomach. I don't think it's out of fear, actually I think a part of me was waiting for this. After all, Bevin has danced around that topic since we met, and she's been so patient with everything and kind about it all. She's been a wonderful friend and I can't deny that she's attractive and that we get along really well.

But I've always just been too scared to think about it more. I've always been too scared of upsetting Brittany or not making myself available for when she's ready or able. Which is silly, I know but again; built my life around her.

"I don't know Bevin, you're…I mean you're basically my best friend here."

"And you and Brittany started out as best friends."

I hesitate, but I can't deny the truth.

"I do like you Bevin."

She steps forward and puts a hand on my arm, halting me from further speech, "Okay, that's kind of all I needed to hear." She says with a smile, "I don't want to force you into thinking too much about it right now, I just…I want you to know that if you can or can't figure out things with Brittany, I'm here for you in whatever way."

My eyes meet green again and I take in a breath, she's so selfless right now. I have to admit that if I didn't know Brittany, if she wasn't absolutely everything I knew that I'd ever want or need, and if she hadn't been my rock for so long, and my candle and my escape, I could see myself with Bevin.

I guess the only thing left to do, is talk to Brittany about everything and actually see where we stand. The only thing about it all is no matter what, someone gets hurt, and that's always the worst thing to think about.

"I appreciate that Bevin, and I think I know what I have to do to make this fair on everyone."

Through a rush hour shift and beyond, my mind is turning with things that I know I have to, that I want to, discuss and figure out with Brittany.

She's always been the best thing that's ever been mine, and I have to know where I stand with the possibility of having her now, or letting her go until I can.

* * *

**So the third chapter should be up within the next day or so. And so you are all aware, this story is probably going to be about 6 chapters long total with the Epilogue. But the chapters will be close to 5K each so there's still a good chunk of story! Thanks again, leave your thoughts if you'd like. If not, we appreciate you reading!**

**Review responses:**

**Guest (10/7): **sorry to disappoint you but we are both avid Brittana shippers and the closest this will get to Dantana is the mention of Dani's name.

**Blueskkies: **Thank you! We hope you enjoy the rest of it!  
**  
brittsgirl (guest): **You are correct! But thankfully, Santana is a little distracted to be too mad at Rachel. We appreciate your support (and observations!)

**LeighKelly: **Hope you were able to patch up your mind after that explosion. We're going to try our hardest to live up to your expectations! The support is definitely a blessing from you!

**Glee4ever123: **Yay! What other ending could there be? ;)

**eduardaat: **Thank you! We were longing for it too, that's why we decided to go ahead and write it! It's amazing that you think of us as legends of smut, and rest assured there will definitely be some in this story!

**vfx: **Thanks! We couldn't be happier and we appreciate it!

**Chuckleshan: **You are correct; Brittany would surely be the only one that Rachel would think to call for Santana! We will do our very best to maintain our complimenting styles and produce an awesome Brittana story for our amazing readers which definitely include you!

**Lauren H 91: **Thanks Lauren! We agree that Glee's canon is messed up so we thought we'd take it and see what we could do with it. It took a little bit to get the second part out but now the chapters will be out quicker! Thanks for your support!

**luceroadorada: **Thank you! It means a lot to us that you think so! Hope you continue to enjoy it!

**Guest: **Thank you very much! We hope you like what we do with it!

**StephaniieC: **It is real life :) I mean we like each other's writing so we figured why not combine that into epicness and write a story! We don't want you to die, but as long as this story brings you some happiness then we are glad! Thanks so much for your support and you know we'll see you soon again!

**Thanks again to everyone for all your support, it means the world to us! **


End file.
